Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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