she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
