Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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