i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
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He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
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After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize