Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
