Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
