Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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