I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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