I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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