I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
