Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
