remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
