yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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