the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
