There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
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We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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