you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
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is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
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Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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