the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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