i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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