and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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