the condom got lost in my hair
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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