she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
