Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
