So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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