Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
