Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
