New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
