What a fucking waste of an outfit
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
