just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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