I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
