he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
