Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
