Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
