Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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