I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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