if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
