drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
