I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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