God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
