I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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