She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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