I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
