I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
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Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
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They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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