Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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