I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
