Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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