He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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