Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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