i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
