wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
