This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
