It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
