my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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