This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
