I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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