Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
not ubering you a puppy
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
