i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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