i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
