these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
