you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
